The Apple Cantina or: A Love Affair Between Two Enemies

Women are fucking crazy. Period.

2007-02-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

That's right. I said it. Women are fucking crazy.

In the spirit of "Singles Awareness Day," aka "Valentine's Day," I thought I would share my general theory on women, which I refer to as the "Theory of Fucking Crazy Bitches." I am about to provide a list of why women are nuts. I think it works, but please, hold back on your snap judgements for a moment and read on.

1.) Women are selfish.
If you've ever had a girlfriend, you know this firsthand. Oh yes, you may get that wonderful blowjob in the car while you're driving to Wal-Mart; she may jump on your dick at her parents' house in the bathroom. But is that sex you're getting because she cares about you? I think not. Add up everything it cost you to get past second base. Dinner, mini-golf, gifts, the condoms...it's not cheap getting pussy from your girl. Moreover, women are just like men. They need sex just as bad as we do, they just don't admit it. If a guy jumps his girl while she's in the bathroom, is that considered romantic and caring? No. I think they call it rape.

2.) Women have no loyalty.
While women can become extremely jealous and freak at the sight of you talking to another woman (I'll get to that later), they have no problem flirting with every decent looking guy they come into contact with. They have no loyalty to their man. While guys work and work to try and keep that hot girlfriend, she has no loyalty to the effort. LADIES, IF YOU WANT TO FLIRT, DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN SO WE CAN ENJOY IT.

3.) Women are stalkerish.
So, women have no problem flirting around. So why can't we do the same? I'll tell you why. Because women are stalkerish. What is the first thing that happens if you're girlfriend catches you talking to another female? "Why were you talking to that skank?" And, what is the first thing that comes to our mind? "Because you do the same thing bitch. And she puts out. And I don't have to cuddle." Then she begins to break into your email account, read your text messages, and follow you around town when you think she's at work.

4.) Women bleed for five days and don't die.
Can you trust that?

5.) Women are lazy.
It's a scientific fact that 99.43% of all women become overweight after the age of 30. Why is that? Because women are lazy. Once they get the ring on their finger, they no longer feel the need to go to the gym or get out of bed. Don't buy into that "It's because she had a kid" bullshit. Look at Britney Spears. She's had two kids and she's still comparable to a $100 trick in Vegas. If you're lucky, you'll get that 0.57% girl that stays fit her whole life. Only problem is, all of those girls are addicted to heroin.

6.) Women ask stupid questions.
"Honey, does this make me look fat?" If you have to ask, you're a fucking pig.

"If I lost my arms and legs, would you still love me?" The real question is, would I not throw you into a swimming pool.

"Why don't we go out anymore?" Because you spend all my money on shit you don't need.

"Why are you watching this stupid football game?" Fuck you.

7.) Women are shallow.
If a woman doesn't find you attractive within the first ten seconds of meeting you, you have no chance. Are guys that shallow? Of course. But a guy will still have sex with someone he doesn't find attractive. Women won't even talk to men they don't find attractive. Personally, if a girl is ugly, I'll roll her on her stomach. Why don't women follow this example and just get on their stomachs more often? You won't have to look at the guy. Quit being so fucking shallow.

8.) Women are two-faced.
brainkandy87: hey, what's up?
sexygirl87: not much, what are you doing tomorrow night?
brainkandy87: nothing, why, you wanna hang out?
sexygirl87: yeah, i'll be wearing my crotchless lingerie for you.
brainkandy87: whoa. ok. i'm game.
sexygirl87: you better be. i want it hard all night. be here at 8. gotta run. ttyl.

[8 PM next night]
*knock, knock*
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Uhh, you said be here at 8."
"You're a fucking asshole. Get out of here."
"Wait...what? Are you fucking crazy or something?"
[door slams shut]

This is a common occurence.

So there it is. My theory on women. They're fucking crazy. For those of you with the "perfect girlfriend," just wait. It doesn't take long before she goes fucking crazy on you. I will give you ladies some credit though. You are useful for some things in life. If the movie "Bachelor Party" taught us anything about women, it's that they're good for fucking livestock. And being loveslaves for skinny Asian businessmen.

Let's Celebrate Martin Luther King

2006-01-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

Being the patriotic American that I am, I enjoy celebrating all federally mandated holidays. One holiday that really gets me going is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What really gets me going about it is that I seem to be the only one who celebrates it. What racists you all are.

Let's start off with a brief history of Dr. King. He was born on January 15, 1929 in Atlanta, Georgia. He was a Baptist minister and activist who promoted civil rights in America, particularly civil rights for blacks, along with peace, unity, and all that jazz. He won some medals, then got shot. Blah, blah, blah. Let's fast forward back to me.

Today in America, schools and businesses will close down their doors on this day, Martin Luther King Day. Kids will sleep in, businessmen will cheat on their wives starting a little eariler, and teachers will finally find the time to look for a new job. These people do these things to "honor" Martin Luther King. I find that laughable. Martin Luther King was a man, not a unique man, but a man who stood up for what he believed in. He believed in something bigger than himself. He believed in peace throughout the world. He believed in ending all war. No more violence. He had a dream, God-dammit. A dream.

So today, in the spirit of his beliefs and, unlike most of you, I will celebrate this holiday. It's more than a holiday really, it's more of a quest. Today, I will go to work. Today, I will go to school. Today, I will declare war on my enemies and kill them. I am ready to celebrate Dr. King and his legacy. This is a day where the rest of America sleeps in and there's not a touch of violence in the air. Today, America is working to progress peace in the world. Today, America is teaching its youth to learn from the mistakes already made by previous generations. Today, America is not fighting a war. As a patriot, it saddens me to see America act like this.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/4617196.stm

Congratulations, You're Internet Cool

2005-07-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

You're a sexy bitch, yes you are. Lately, I've been plagued with autograph requests and marriage proposals. I'm sorry, but I can only hand out autographs if you lovely ladies send me photos of your naked bodies. What? It's not females that have been requesting my penmanship and sexy love machine?

Yes, it's been the requests of 14 year old boys all across America -- they want Kandy.

I can't stop the frenzy. It's a curse, really. While I'm not here to entertain, merely offend, I know my loony toon antics will grant a few entertainment. Originally, I had hoped those entertained would be the lovely ladies of the internet -- maybe even a few dirty old men who found me so sexy they were speechless -- and I had hoped to extort some nude photos. Unfortunately, they have been left speechless. The women and the dirty old men. But the young prepubescent boys of America are never speechless. They've flocked yours truly with a'many thanks and a'many marriage proposals.

This is the curse of being internet cool. I did not ask for this title, no one ever does. This is a title one obtains. I'm going to give you, the average John Q. Shortpenis, the chance to obtain the noble title of "Internet Cool."

1.) Be One With the Material

In order to become internet cool, you must have your material laid out and figure out who you are on the internet. To do this, begin by posting in small internet forums (that's a "message board" for all you Lamen Fagmo people). Tweak the way you post and define your style before you expose yourself to the masses. It's indy film for the sad and strange.

2.) Gain an Audience

Now that you've tweaked yourself and defined the "poster" within you, it's time to gain an audience. Because most of you suck, there's only about 2% of you that will get to this step. If you skip over step one because you think you're some big shot with endless amounts of humor and wit, here's a preview of your internet life:

To gain an audience, you must begin posting on a large, well-known internet forum. By this time, your material should be good enough to survive within the confines of the well traveled and much more intelligent than you posters. Observe the habits of the forum before posting. Do not begin blindly posting. Everyone else is smarter than you at this point. You're not even a human-fucking-being on the internet at this point. You're just a couple of numbers on a computer. You sickening bastard. But I digress.

Gain the trust of the larger forum before releasing your full potential (that is, if you have any, you diseased scumfuck). Once you gain their trust and a few allies, you may commence your desired posting style. You are on your way to becoming internet famous.

3.) Keep Your Balance

Do not ever keep your posting style to one form. Don't be funny all the time, you fucking joke. Don't be serious all the time, you cold vagina. Don't be stupid or I'll come to your home and rip your spinal cord out and give it to a stem cell. Balance your style out. I would much rather see someone who can carry a rational conversation about the good and bad points of George Bush and then toss out a killer Bush joke than some fucking extremist (on either side of the argument). Like this...

Bush started a completely senseless war that has cost the lives of hundreds of Americans, but he is putting more money into space exploration.

Heyyooooooo!

See how much better that works than "omfg bush is god lolz lolz lemme such his peepee because hes a great uhmerican !!!"?

4.) Buy a Cool T-Shirt

Now that you've gotten this far, you're on your way to becoming internet famous. In order to ensure your success, you need to buy a cool t-shirt that no one in the real world will understand (and it will most likely offend). I prefer the "Jesus Did It For the Chicks" or "I Eat More Pussy Than Cervical Cancer" shirts. Once you wear these out in the sun, it says "Hey Bitches, I'm Cooler Than You -- On the Internet *middle finger to everyone*" That's how cool you'll be.

Now prepare to recieve your own autograph requests and marriage proposals. Just be sure and watch out for those crazy kids trying to steal your material.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.tshirthell.com

Roger Ebert is a Fetus Eater

2005-04-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

I hate all movie critics. I have a feeling that most of us do. For me, Roger Ebert represents the Anti-Christ of film.

Take for example, his review on The Life of David Gale. While I must agree with Ebert that it was a bit of propaganda, I still loved the film. Know why, fattyacid? Because it was a good movie. I understand the pain all critics go through. I'm sure it sucks being forced to watch movies such as Freddy Got Fingered, From Justin to Kelly, and Son of the Mask -- movies with a script written on TP whilst pinching off a log. But when a movie that is actually good comes along, Ebert, being the fattyacid he is, shits on it because he cannot keep his triple chin from flapping. So what if it is a piece of propaganda? It was a good movie.

You're being paid to tell me, the consumer, how well I will enjoy a movie and whether or not I should spend eight bucks to see it. You're not being paid to tell me your political views about the movie. If I want to deal with the real world Ebert, I'll turn over to page 1A. I'm not going to be getting my political viewpoints from a fatbody with Bucky Fuller glasses. At least Bucky Fuller had some style to put along with the glasses. The only sort of style you have is your own butter style. God knows you eat enough butter to feed China for a few years. For Christ's sake Ebert, try some lettuce.

I hope you realize how horribly you alienate people. Keep it up and Roeper will pull a David Gale on you, fattyacid. I think we ALL know that Siskel didn't really die, he just had to get the shit away from you. I mean, Jesus Christ, Ebert...everytime you two were on TV, you were three words away from eating him. Roeper looks too tough for that. He looks like he could bench fifteen, maybe twenty pounds. And I'm not talking butter here Ebert.

Maybe you can change Ebert. You seem to think that Vincent Gallo getting his dick sucked on film makes him a bad filmmaker. I think you're wrong, Ebert. As a consumer, I want to see Chloe Sevigny give head. Shit, I'd pay eight bucks to see that five minutes of film. Get your vision corrected Ebert. I want to know if the movie is worth the entry, not how deep you can penetrate a Volkswagen.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.ratemyprofessor.com

You suck, American Express

2005-04-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

I go to the movies and I see Robert DeNiro walking through a street, narrating his own movements. But by Jesus, if it wasn't for American Express, he couldn't walk through these streets without getting gangraped. Oops. They forgot to tell us that. Who woulda thought that?

I watch TV and I see Coach K talking about the importance of education. Education? You're Duke University, my most favoritest university of all. You have great basketball teams where the kids can go and get into the NBA. Of course they need education...

...they just couldn't do it without the American Express card.

I would like to see an American Express commercial with all their current marketing tools. Let's call it the American Express "Gold" commercial. In this commercial, Ellen DeGeneres will be stuck inside of a Canadian whore-house, ass naked licking away at random extra lesbian. Suddenly, Laird Hamilton comes crashing through the window on a mayo-wave caused by a local Canadian burger joint. We see Ellen and Laird lying on each other in a pile of mayonnaise, no money between them because Laird screwed up Ellen's money making scheme. So we flash to America where Tiger Woods and Robert DeNiro are playing a game of cricket. Suddenly, Tiger Woods' Nike golf cart begins to ring. He goes and presses his built in satellite phone. It's the Los Angelesians telling Tiger that Ellen is in trouble.

Uh-oh.

So Tiger and Robert suit up in their black and white film attire (you know, so they can be in black and white while we're in color. We need American Express.). They head for the Canadian border, but cannot get through because hey, they're American. Now they have to do the unthinkable: American Airlines. But it's OK. Tiger and Robert get to the airport and flash their American Express Gold cards. Boom. They're in like Flint. Across the border and into mayo town they go. Ellen and Laird have been saved.

End in mass orgy-porgy.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.wheresgeorge.com

Comic Days

2005-04-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

With the passing of The-freakin-Pope and Terri Schiavo, the media has spent little time covering the death of Mitch Hedberg. Comedy is my soft spot, so whenever a comedian passes on, no matter what the cause was, I feel compelled to remember them in some way. So for today's entry, there will be no social commentary on the hypocracy in which we live. Just this:

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Hicks

Dart Board Politics

2005-04-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

Every day, I wonder who we're gonna invade next.

Of course, we're not really "invading" anyone. We're merely bringing democracy to a struggling country. This way, they can truly be free. Forget all the stuff you read about the cycle of governments. Anarchy never, ever occurs after democracy is in place. The people suffering in Iraq tore my heart out of my chest and tossed it in an Iraqi-made sno-cone machine. Oh, wait...that's the new reason for invading Iraq. The suffering population of Iraq. The original reason was the nuclear bombs that were about to strike America via Saddam Hussein's penis.

This can't be real Jesus, can it? Not really?

So now that we cannot find aannnnnyyy big bad nuclear arms, we have to avoid loss and tell ourselves it was for the Iraqi people. Well, I have a little theory about that. If the people of Iraq felt they were suffering too much, don't you think they would have done something about it? Through history, that's always happened. Eventually, people get tired of being the screwee and become the screwer. Even more, if the people were suffering as bad as Americans are told, why hadn't any Iraqi's done anything about it? Oh, I know why. They weren't suffering that bad. They weren't at a point where they were ready to sacrifice themselves and their families for the relief of the greater population.

Choke on that, Pretzel Boy.

So now Bush sits back in his Buffalo Bob made chair, stroking his kitty, staring at a map. Although he cannot name 98.3% of the countries he is staring at, he can still toss a dart and call that the next adventure for the "War on Terror." What a joke. The War on Terror. The War on Drugs makes more sense.

If you want to secure America, secure the country itself. Secure our borders. Put money from the citizens into the country. Invading a country is not making us safer. When I paid my taxes this year, I hated writing that big fat check. I would hate to write it no matter what, but it would be less troubling if I knew that my money was going back into the betterment of America. That's why I would much rather pay the majority of my taxes to my state, because it goes into the land where I live.

Oh darn, I forgot...when we don't force democracy on other nations, we can't take their shit. My mistake.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit if Bush was somehow able to sneak in another term for himself. That's the way the luck of America is going. Excuse me...America voted him back in the last time. Luck had nothing to do with it. Once again, my mistake. I'm sorry folks, I'm just totally off track tonight.

So it begs the question of who we invade next. Iran? North Korea? Russia? I say we just declare war on the world and get it over with. We're the only country that has ever proven that we will nuke your ass, so we might as well wipe out North Korea and Iran if we're so worried about their nukes. Nuke em. Nuke em all. It's what Hitler would've done. And after all, 2008 could be a very interesting year.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.nationstates.net

The Pope is a Big Wet Douche

2005-04-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who sees this obvious truth?

The Pope has to be the biggest, wettest douche in mankind's history. I don't see what the Jesusdamn deal is with Catholics worshipping this guy anyway. He's a guy. A freaking man. If he wants to be a holy father, he needs to stop whining about his stomach hurting and start striking down some bitches. You know, that good old "Go to hell" Catholic spirit. Trading in his little white hat and golden chair for some good ol' fashioned mayhem toys. I've always longed to see The Pope holding a bazooka or driving a tank. Freaking Pope Patton. That kind of Jesusness could not be topped.

Instead, The Pope sits in his chair with his little white hat and blubbers out "holy" words. If you were God's right hand man, you'd be The Popeinator. You're in a chair with Parkinson's and bad kidneys. God really does love you Pope. What a douche. You've been an icon for centuries. You're the so-called Holy Father. But then again, this is coming from the same source that said Earth is the center of the universe, the sun revolves around Earth, Earth is flat, and that Rome is the center of Earth. What a sloppy douche.

Maybe I could wear a little white hat and drive around in a golf cart with Tupperware covering. I could be a star. But instead of telling people that they will go to hell for eating popcorn with too much butter, I'll just go out and wipe out who I think should go to hell. I'll just cut out the whole "God" process and take care of it myself. I'll just call myself Saul the Great. That is, after all, what the big wet douche known as The Pope is to Catholic nation.

God cares about his people, Pope. He has cared about his people even when you were telling them the Earth was flat. But instead of telling people what movies to watch or how big of a halo you have hanging in your pants, you should have just pulled some Pope justice. Someone doing something you don't like? Blunt object to the head. Someone saying something you don't like? Off with their tongue. But never, ever call yourself The Holy Father, Mr. Pope. I thank God every day that I was not born a Catholic. Otherwise, I couldn't eat pizza for breakfast, watch porn, drive fast, or most importantly, think for myself. You play God and you do it poorly. This is exactly why you, The Pope, are a big wet douche.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.mgunit.com

Grand Vision

2005-03-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to The Apple Cantina my friends. I will be your narrator throughout this journey. For those of you that know my voice, I say hello and enjoy. For those of you that are new to my dementia, all I can say is this: fuck Maddox.

So yesterday, while chatting it up with Miggles and S10, I had a great vision. It was a vision that gives men internal ejaculations. I know this, because I had one. So let me reveal to you my next project. I take it you all have heard of (or have done dirty things while watching) BangBus. It's the happy family site where "random" women (and sometimes men) are picked up off the street and asked if they would do naughty things for money. Being the internet and all, they always say yes. I mean, I would say yes too if someone had a camera in my face. The ten dollar bill is just a bonus.

Anyway, you get the point.

My big project takes this idea and expands it to great lengths. Starting today, work will begin on BangChair. The porn site for crips and their chairs. What we will do is take our favorite handicapped friends and get them a little somethin-somethin. Every week, we take one crip and put him/her in our 1992 Astro van. Then, we go cruising the streets of Boise in search of our sexy little crip lover.

We already have our first two episodes lined up. Episode 1 will be called A Brief History of Boise. In this episode, Stephen Hawking will join us in the Astro van in search of some hot and spicy Boise action. We've talked to him and he has his "Oh" voice going. He gave us a sample that went something like "Oh baby. baby. Do you like my quantum thrust?" The computer voice made it sound unreal. We look forward to working with him.

Our second episode has Terri Schiavo booked, but that is subject to change. We are continuing to fight the injustices being performed in Florida against Terri. We can only hope the courts will come around and do the right thing for Terri. We look forward to having her.

Later down the road, we hope to book a Terri on Stephen episode. We know you guys will be looking forward to that. Also, we are in talks with Starbucks and Target about holding a BangChair tour. When BangChair visits your city and its local Starbucks or Target, bring down the crips and we'll feature them in what we liked to call "chairsomes."

Until next time,
-brain