Women are fucking crazy. Period.

That's right. I said it. Women are fucking crazy.

In the spirit of "Singles Awareness Day," aka "Valentine's Day," I thought I would share my general theory on women, which I refer to as the "Theory of Fucking Crazy Bitches." I am about to provide a list of why women are nuts. I think it works, but please, hold back on your snap judgements for a moment and read on.

1.) Women are selfish.
If you've ever had a girlfriend, you know this firsthand. Oh yes, you may get that wonderful blowjob in the car while you're driving to Wal-Mart; she may jump on your dick at her parents' house in the bathroom. But is that sex you're getting because she cares about you? I think not. Add up everything it cost you to get past second base. Dinner, mini-golf, gifts, the condoms...it's not cheap getting pussy from your girl. Moreover, women are just like men. They need sex just as bad as we do, they just don't admit it. If a guy jumps his girl while she's in the bathroom, is that considered romantic and caring? No. I think they call it rape.

2.) Women have no loyalty.
While women can become extremely jealous and freak at the sight of you talking to another woman (I'll get to that later), they have no problem flirting with every decent looking guy they come into contact with. They have no loyalty to their man. While guys work and work to try and keep that hot girlfriend, she has no loyalty to the effort. LADIES, IF YOU WANT TO FLIRT, DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN SO WE CAN ENJOY IT.

3.) Women are stalkerish.
So, women have no problem flirting around. So why can't we do the same? I'll tell you why. Because women are stalkerish. What is the first thing that happens if you're girlfriend catches you talking to another female? "Why were you talking to that skank?" And, what is the first thing that comes to our mind? "Because you do the same thing bitch. And she puts out. And I don't have to cuddle." Then she begins to break into your email account, read your text messages, and follow you around town when you think she's at work.

4.) Women bleed for five days and don't die.
Can you trust that?

5.) Women are lazy.
It's a scientific fact that 99.43% of all women become overweight after the age of 30. Why is that? Because women are lazy. Once they get the ring on their finger, they no longer feel the need to go to the gym or get out of bed. Don't buy into that "It's because she had a kid" bullshit. Look at Britney Spears. She's had two kids and she's still comparable to a $100 trick in Vegas. If you're lucky, you'll get that 0.57% girl that stays fit her whole life. Only problem is, all of those girls are addicted to heroin.

6.) Women ask stupid questions.
"Honey, does this make me look fat?" If you have to ask, you're a fucking pig.

"If I lost my arms and legs, would you still love me?" The real question is, would I not throw you into a swimming pool.

"Why don't we go out anymore?" Because you spend all my money on shit you don't need.

"Why are you watching this stupid football game?" Fuck you.

7.) Women are shallow.
If a woman doesn't find you attractive within the first ten seconds of meeting you, you have no chance. Are guys that shallow? Of course. But a guy will still have sex with someone he doesn't find attractive. Women won't even talk to men they don't find attractive. Personally, if a girl is ugly, I'll roll her on her stomach. Why don't women follow this example and just get on their stomachs more often? You won't have to look at the guy. Quit being so fucking shallow.

8.) Women are two-faced.
brainkandy87: hey, what's up?
sexygirl87: not much, what are you doing tomorrow night?
brainkandy87: nothing, why, you wanna hang out?
sexygirl87: yeah, i'll be wearing my crotchless lingerie for you.
brainkandy87: whoa. ok. i'm game.
sexygirl87: you better be. i want it hard all night. be here at 8. gotta run. ttyl.

[8 PM next night]
*knock, knock*
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Uhh, you said be here at 8."
"You're a fucking asshole. Get out of here."
"Wait...what? Are you fucking crazy or something?"
[door slams shut]

This is a common occurence.

So there it is. My theory on women. They're fucking crazy. For those of you with the "perfect girlfriend," just wait. It doesn't take long before she goes fucking crazy on you. I will give you ladies some credit though. You are useful for some things in life. If the movie "Bachelor Party" taught us anything about women, it's that they're good for fucking livestock. And being loveslaves for skinny Asian businessmen.