Congratulations, You're Internet Cool

You're a sexy bitch, yes you are. Lately, I've been plagued with autograph requests and marriage proposals. I'm sorry, but I can only hand out autographs if you lovely ladies send me photos of your naked bodies. What? It's not females that have been requesting my penmanship and sexy love machine?

Yes, it's been the requests of 14 year old boys all across America -- they want Kandy.

I can't stop the frenzy. It's a curse, really. While I'm not here to entertain, merely offend, I know my loony toon antics will grant a few entertainment. Originally, I had hoped those entertained would be the lovely ladies of the internet -- maybe even a few dirty old men who found me so sexy they were speechless -- and I had hoped to extort some nude photos. Unfortunately, they have been left speechless. The women and the dirty old men. But the young prepubescent boys of America are never speechless. They've flocked yours truly with a'many thanks and a'many marriage proposals.

This is the curse of being internet cool. I did not ask for this title, no one ever does. This is a title one obtains. I'm going to give you, the average John Q. Shortpenis, the chance to obtain the noble title of "Internet Cool."

1.) Be One With the Material

In order to become internet cool, you must have your material laid out and figure out who you are on the internet. To do this, begin by posting in small internet forums (that's a "message board" for all you Lamen Fagmo people). Tweak the way you post and define your style before you expose yourself to the masses. It's indy film for the sad and strange.

2.) Gain an Audience

Now that you've tweaked yourself and defined the "poster" within you, it's time to gain an audience. Because most of you suck, there's only about 2% of you that will get to this step. If you skip over step one because you think you're some big shot with endless amounts of humor and wit, here's a preview of your internet life:

To gain an audience, you must begin posting on a large, well-known internet forum. By this time, your material should be good enough to survive within the confines of the well traveled and much more intelligent than you posters. Observe the habits of the forum before posting. Do not begin blindly posting. Everyone else is smarter than you at this point. You're not even a human-fucking-being on the internet at this point. You're just a couple of numbers on a computer. You sickening bastard. But I digress.

Gain the trust of the larger forum before releasing your full potential (that is, if you have any, you diseased scumfuck). Once you gain their trust and a few allies, you may commence your desired posting style. You are on your way to becoming internet famous.

3.) Keep Your Balance

Do not ever keep your posting style to one form. Don't be funny all the time, you fucking joke. Don't be serious all the time, you cold vagina. Don't be stupid or I'll come to your home and rip your spinal cord out and give it to a stem cell. Balance your style out. I would much rather see someone who can carry a rational conversation about the good and bad points of George Bush and then toss out a killer Bush joke than some fucking extremist (on either side of the argument). Like this...

Bush started a completely senseless war that has cost the lives of hundreds of Americans, but he is putting more money into space exploration.

Heyyooooooo!

See how much better that works than "omfg bush is god lolz lolz lemme such his peepee because hes a great uhmerican !!!"?

4.) Buy a Cool T-Shirt

Now that you've gotten this far, you're on your way to becoming internet famous. In order to ensure your success, you need to buy a cool t-shirt that no one in the real world will understand (and it will most likely offend). I prefer the "Jesus Did It For the Chicks" or "I Eat More Pussy Than Cervical Cancer" shirts. Once you wear these out in the sun, it says "Hey Bitches, I'm Cooler Than You -- On the Internet *middle finger to everyone*" That's how cool you'll be.

Now prepare to recieve your own autograph requests and marriage proposals. Just be sure and watch out for those crazy kids trying to steal your material.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.tshirthell.com