You suck, American Express

I go to the movies and I see Robert DeNiro walking through a street, narrating his own movements. But by Jesus, if it wasn't for American Express, he couldn't walk through these streets without getting gangraped. Oops. They forgot to tell us that. Who woulda thought that?

I watch TV and I see Coach K talking about the importance of education. Education? You're Duke University, my most favoritest university of all. You have great basketball teams where the kids can go and get into the NBA. Of course they need education...

...they just couldn't do it without the American Express card.

I would like to see an American Express commercial with all their current marketing tools. Let's call it the American Express "Gold" commercial. In this commercial, Ellen DeGeneres will be stuck inside of a Canadian whore-house, ass naked licking away at random extra lesbian. Suddenly, Laird Hamilton comes crashing through the window on a mayo-wave caused by a local Canadian burger joint. We see Ellen and Laird lying on each other in a pile of mayonnaise, no money between them because Laird screwed up Ellen's money making scheme. So we flash to America where Tiger Woods and Robert DeNiro are playing a game of cricket. Suddenly, Tiger Woods' Nike golf cart begins to ring. He goes and presses his built in satellite phone. It's the Los Angelesians telling Tiger that Ellen is in trouble.

Uh-oh.

So Tiger and Robert suit up in their black and white film attire (you know, so they can be in black and white while we're in color. We need American Express.). They head for the Canadian border, but cannot get through because hey, they're American. Now they have to do the unthinkable: American Airlines. But it's OK. Tiger and Robert get to the airport and flash their American Express Gold cards. Boom. They're in like Flint. Across the border and into mayo town they go. Ellen and Laird have been saved.

End in mass orgy-porgy.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.wheresgeorge.com