Roger Ebert is a Fetus Eater

I hate all movie critics. I have a feeling that most of us do. For me, Roger Ebert represents the Anti-Christ of film.

Take for example, his review on The Life of David Gale. While I must agree with Ebert that it was a bit of propaganda, I still loved the film. Know why, fattyacid? Because it was a good movie. I understand the pain all critics go through. I'm sure it sucks being forced to watch movies such as Freddy Got Fingered, From Justin to Kelly, and Son of the Mask -- movies with a script written on TP whilst pinching off a log. But when a movie that is actually good comes along, Ebert, being the fattyacid he is, shits on it because he cannot keep his triple chin from flapping. So what if it is a piece of propaganda? It was a good movie.

You're being paid to tell me, the consumer, how well I will enjoy a movie and whether or not I should spend eight bucks to see it. You're not being paid to tell me your political views about the movie. If I want to deal with the real world Ebert, I'll turn over to page 1A. I'm not going to be getting my political viewpoints from a fatbody with Bucky Fuller glasses. At least Bucky Fuller had some style to put along with the glasses. The only sort of style you have is your own butter style. God knows you eat enough butter to feed China for a few years. For Christ's sake Ebert, try some lettuce.

I hope you realize how horribly you alienate people. Keep it up and Roeper will pull a David Gale on you, fattyacid. I think we ALL know that Siskel didn't really die, he just had to get the shit away from you. I mean, Jesus Christ, Ebert...everytime you two were on TV, you were three words away from eating him. Roeper looks too tough for that. He looks like he could bench fifteen, maybe twenty pounds. And I'm not talking butter here Ebert.

Maybe you can change Ebert. You seem to think that Vincent Gallo getting his dick sucked on film makes him a bad filmmaker. I think you're wrong, Ebert. As a consumer, I want to see Chloe Sevigny give head. Shit, I'd pay eight bucks to see that five minutes of film. Get your vision corrected Ebert. I want to know if the movie is worth the entry, not how deep you can penetrate a Volkswagen.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.ratemyprofessor.com

You suck, American Express

I go to the movies and I see Robert DeNiro walking through a street, narrating his own movements. But by Jesus, if it wasn't for American Express, he couldn't walk through these streets without getting gangraped. Oops. They forgot to tell us that. Who woulda thought that?

I watch TV and I see Coach K talking about the importance of education. Education? You're Duke University, my most favoritest university of all. You have great basketball teams where the kids can go and get into the NBA. Of course they need education...

...they just couldn't do it without the American Express card.

I would like to see an American Express commercial with all their current marketing tools. Let's call it the American Express "Gold" commercial. In this commercial, Ellen DeGeneres will be stuck inside of a Canadian whore-house, ass naked licking away at random extra lesbian. Suddenly, Laird Hamilton comes crashing through the window on a mayo-wave caused by a local Canadian burger joint. We see Ellen and Laird lying on each other in a pile of mayonnaise, no money between them because Laird screwed up Ellen's money making scheme. So we flash to America where Tiger Woods and Robert DeNiro are playing a game of cricket. Suddenly, Tiger Woods' Nike golf cart begins to ring. He goes and presses his built in satellite phone. It's the Los Angelesians telling Tiger that Ellen is in trouble.

Uh-oh.

So Tiger and Robert suit up in their black and white film attire (you know, so they can be in black and white while we're in color. We need American Express.). They head for the Canadian border, but cannot get through because hey, they're American. Now they have to do the unthinkable: American Airlines. But it's OK. Tiger and Robert get to the airport and flash their American Express Gold cards. Boom. They're in like Flint. Across the border and into mayo town they go. Ellen and Laird have been saved.

End in mass orgy-porgy.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.wheresgeorge.com

Comic Days

With the passing of The-freakin-Pope and Terri Schiavo, the media has spent little time covering the death of Mitch Hedberg. Comedy is my soft spot, so whenever a comedian passes on, no matter what the cause was, I feel compelled to remember them in some way. So for today's entry, there will be no social commentary on the hypocracy in which we live. Just this:

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Hicks

Dart Board Politics

Every day, I wonder who we're gonna invade next.

Of course, we're not really "invading" anyone. We're merely bringing democracy to a struggling country. This way, they can truly be free. Forget all the stuff you read about the cycle of governments. Anarchy never, ever occurs after democracy is in place. The people suffering in Iraq tore my heart out of my chest and tossed it in an Iraqi-made sno-cone machine. Oh, wait...that's the new reason for invading Iraq. The suffering population of Iraq. The original reason was the nuclear bombs that were about to strike America via Saddam Hussein's penis.

This can't be real Jesus, can it? Not really?

So now that we cannot find aannnnnyyy big bad nuclear arms, we have to avoid loss and tell ourselves it was for the Iraqi people. Well, I have a little theory about that. If the people of Iraq felt they were suffering too much, don't you think they would have done something about it? Through history, that's always happened. Eventually, people get tired of being the screwee and become the screwer. Even more, if the people were suffering as bad as Americans are told, why hadn't any Iraqi's done anything about it? Oh, I know why. They weren't suffering that bad. They weren't at a point where they were ready to sacrifice themselves and their families for the relief of the greater population.

Choke on that, Pretzel Boy.

So now Bush sits back in his Buffalo Bob made chair, stroking his kitty, staring at a map. Although he cannot name 98.3% of the countries he is staring at, he can still toss a dart and call that the next adventure for the "War on Terror." What a joke. The War on Terror. The War on Drugs makes more sense.

If you want to secure America, secure the country itself. Secure our borders. Put money from the citizens into the country. Invading a country is not making us safer. When I paid my taxes this year, I hated writing that big fat check. I would hate to write it no matter what, but it would be less troubling if I knew that my money was going back into the betterment of America. That's why I would much rather pay the majority of my taxes to my state, because it goes into the land where I live.

Oh darn, I forgot...when we don't force democracy on other nations, we can't take their shit. My mistake.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit if Bush was somehow able to sneak in another term for himself. That's the way the luck of America is going. Excuse me...America voted him back in the last time. Luck had nothing to do with it. Once again, my mistake. I'm sorry folks, I'm just totally off track tonight.

So it begs the question of who we invade next. Iran? North Korea? Russia? I say we just declare war on the world and get it over with. We're the only country that has ever proven that we will nuke your ass, so we might as well wipe out North Korea and Iran if we're so worried about their nukes. Nuke em. Nuke em all. It's what Hitler would've done. And after all, 2008 could be a very interesting year.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.nationstates.net

The Pope is a Big Wet Douche

Am I the only one who sees this obvious truth?

The Pope has to be the biggest, wettest douche in mankind's history. I don't see what the Jesusdamn deal is with Catholics worshipping this guy anyway. He's a guy. A freaking man. If he wants to be a holy father, he needs to stop whining about his stomach hurting and start striking down some bitches. You know, that good old "Go to hell" Catholic spirit. Trading in his little white hat and golden chair for some good ol' fashioned mayhem toys. I've always longed to see The Pope holding a bazooka or driving a tank. Freaking Pope Patton. That kind of Jesusness could not be topped.

Instead, The Pope sits in his chair with his little white hat and blubbers out "holy" words. If you were God's right hand man, you'd be The Popeinator. You're in a chair with Parkinson's and bad kidneys. God really does love you Pope. What a douche. You've been an icon for centuries. You're the so-called Holy Father. But then again, this is coming from the same source that said Earth is the center of the universe, the sun revolves around Earth, Earth is flat, and that Rome is the center of Earth. What a sloppy douche.

Maybe I could wear a little white hat and drive around in a golf cart with Tupperware covering. I could be a star. But instead of telling people that they will go to hell for eating popcorn with too much butter, I'll just go out and wipe out who I think should go to hell. I'll just cut out the whole "God" process and take care of it myself. I'll just call myself Saul the Great. That is, after all, what the big wet douche known as The Pope is to Catholic nation.

God cares about his people, Pope. He has cared about his people even when you were telling them the Earth was flat. But instead of telling people what movies to watch or how big of a halo you have hanging in your pants, you should have just pulled some Pope justice. Someone doing something you don't like? Blunt object to the head. Someone saying something you don't like? Off with their tongue. But never, ever call yourself The Holy Father, Mr. Pope. I thank God every day that I was not born a Catholic. Otherwise, I couldn't eat pizza for breakfast, watch porn, drive fast, or most importantly, think for myself. You play God and you do it poorly. This is exactly why you, The Pope, are a big wet douche.

Until next time,
-brain

Site of the day:
http://www.mgunit.com